It’s Almost Funny! Pennsylvania Health Department Issues COVID Guidelines for Orgies

The Pennsylvania Department of Health is issuing new rules for larger gatherings and while we shouldn’t be laughing, they are somewhat comical. Dr. Rachel Levine is leading the way. If you are having a large gathering where sex is a possibility, you are supposed to be taking the proper precautions. This is also known as an “orgy” but apparently, these are not words that can be said aloud.

Rose_unplugged had a very funny tweet on the matter. “WTH: From PA’s oh so smart Sec of Health: Where to Start?? – IF you attend a Large Gathering where you might end up having sex * ORGY?? – If you USUALLY meet sex partners online – consider; *PORN??,” the tweet read. Of course, large gatherings are far from safe during the COVID-19 era.

However, if you must attend an orgy? The Pennsylvania Department of Health has all sorts of helpful tips and pointers for you. We wish that we were kidding but this is what America has become in 2020. People keep acting as if there is some magical way to “safely” partake in activities that are simply not tenable at the moment.

Apparently, those who are partaking in orgies in Pennsylvania need to “limit their number of partners”. We are not sure how that happens in an orgy setting but alright then. They are also being told to identify a consistent sexual partner. Those two tips make at least a little sense, even if they are hard to adhere to.

The third tip is the one that is making us laugh the hardest. “Wear a face covering, avoid kissing, and do not touch your eyes, nose, or mouth with unwashed hands,” says Dr. Levine. Can you imagine how hot these gatherings will be when everyone is in masks and refusing to kiss each other? We don’t exactly know a lot about orgies but that definitely does not sound like any sort of aphrodisiac.

“Wash your hands with soap and water often, and especially before and after sex. If soap and water are not available use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer” makes more sense but still….why do we even need to be having orgies? “If you usually meet your sex partners online, consider taking a break from in-person dates. Video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, or chat rooms may be options for you” is the final tip and we lied.

This is actually the funniest tip of them all. This should have been a no brainer from the very beginning of the pandemic. “Gee, there’s a deadly virus that is sweeping the nation and carving out swaths of death and destruction. By all accounts, it spreads through close contact with infected parties. Better head online and go find a stranger to hook up with as soon as possible!” said no one ever.

The guidelines went on to say that no one needs to be kissing during sex and that they should be wearing a face mask. We cannot wait to hear the stories about all of the passionate encounters that people were apparently enjoying during the quarantine era, where they did not kiss each other during the proceedings and they even kept their masks on.

This is the sort of silliness that makes us wonder how dumb our leaders think we are. If people are going to be dumb enough to take chances and head to orgies right now, that is their decision to make. We are not condoning it, we are not saying its right and we are not standing in solidarity with the orgy havers.

It is a mere fact of life right now. Anyone who is willing to do something this reckless is not going to be swayed by a set of common sense tips and pointers. Dr. Levine may have just wanted to enjoy a laugh of her own right now and that is understandable, too. Either way, we just hope that people did not need to be told any of this. It should be common knowledge!