If alien visitors from Mars – or, say, Planet Nebulon X35 – came to Earth they would first visit the United States of America.
After all, the U.S. is the “greatest country on Earth.” Because whether or not the aliens wanted to invade Earth or merely study us, it makes sense to size up the world’s greatest country first as a baseline.
What the aliens would encounter would amaze them – a gigantic and sweeping country with towering cities that power the world, vast farmlands that feed the Earth, and a peerless military that dominates the globe.
(The aliens would also observe a natural ally, if they ever chose to invade, in an exceptionally pathetic and obnoxious U.S. national media who often sides with foreign and domestic terrorists instead of the nation’s leaders.)
Traveling across America, the aliens would find an endless variety of climates and people, among them many patriots who would readily detail for the aliens all of the reasons why America is great: defender of liberty; champion of freedom; freedom of conscience; pioneer spirit; can-do work ethic; a nation founded on the once-radical principle that all men are created equal, that no man is a king; a nation of vibrant communities and sacred ideals, and a people ready to fight in the defense of both.
Traveling in America’s heartland, the aliens would find each person more patriotic than the next: veterans, ranchers, small business owners, pastors, teachers, workers, builders, cops, firefighters, mothers, fathers, children – all of whom believe in the promise of America and defending the American Way of Life. The aliens would learn that most of these people were called Republicans.
The aliens would also find that almost everyone in America’s heartland was armed to the teeth with all sorts of crazy guns and rifles that other countries, Yemen aside, don’t allow the private ownership of. One fellow in Arizona even had a rocket launcher.
The fellow would tell the aliens that the Second Amendment protects his right to bears arms. The aliens would then conclude that if they ever decided to invade the U.S., they would leave America’s heartland alone and instead torch the latte-sipping coasts, where they observed the denizens to be largely effete eccentrics and self-loathing emaciated vegans – or “wimps,” as the aliens would call them.
The aliens would laugh when they found out that the coastal creatures had no weapons, only overpriced stainless steel chopsticks with which they ate overpriced tofu that made their men grow breasts. The aliens would learn that these people were called Democrats and that they, largely, hated the country the lived in. The aliens would then wonder why these pathetic creatures hadn’t moved to Canada. The aliens would later realize that Canada is very cold.
Standing in the greatest country in the world, the aliens would recognize America for its profound glory and greatness. Some among the alien ranks, despite being an intensely proud people themselves, would even admit that America was greater – much greater, in fact – than their own Planet Nebulon X35, if only because America had more than 100 brands of potato chips, all of which were exceptionally tasty.
Returning home from Earth, the aliens would admit that America was undoubtedly the greatest country they had ever visited and far too great for them to ever conquer. But still, one question would remain a mystery: how could a person living in the greatest country in the world hate that very same country so much?
The aliens of course would be referring to that particularly unpleasant group of people called the Democrats. The aliens would leave their visit stunned and confounded by the fact that this particular group of bitter and insufferable people called the Democrats hated the very things that made America great, such as the U.S. Constitution, the rule of law, faith in God, private enterprise, and a strong military.
If we’re honest with ourselves, it’s easy to agree with the aliens: the Democrats are an utterly miserable group of people who have clearly staked their claim as the anti-America party.
This week the pledge of allegiance is a hate crime; next week the American flag is racist. It won’t be long before the Democrats say that bald eagles are fascist and Jesus is compared to Hitler. The Democrats are so deranged and out-of-touch that they no longer recognize themselves nor the Land of Opportunity into which they were born.
The phrase “blinded by hate” applies here. Because the Democrats just can’t stop hating America. This much was clear during their 2020 Democratic National Convention this August, which was a week-long airing of the Democrats’ misery and hate for America painting a bleak picture of a futureless future condemned by an irredeemable past.
As our space alien friends would surely come to find out, logic and well-reasoned argument in defense of America’s greatness doesn’t compute with Democrats – they’re just miserable bastards with overpriced yoga mats and they’re going to stay that way.
So when the Republicans turned their 2020 Republican National Convention into a red-white-and-blue, flag-waving, liberty-praising, bible-thumping, military-saluting, corn-fed, All-American lovefest, the Democrats threw a fit.
Republicans were too “American” now for the Democrats and their flag-burning Marxist leaders. It is simultaneously sad, funny, and shocking that the Democrats now consider even the smallest patriotic notion or acknowledgment of American values to be, alternatively, fascist or racist. Flip a coin. Whether it’s heads or tails, the Democrats will start vomiting outrage.
The fact is that the values Republicans spoke to and espoused at the 2020 Republican National Convention represent traditional American values, the same values that our space alien friends, were they ever to visit, would recognize as the foundational values that make America great. These are the same shared, bedrock values that ALL AMERICANS used to live by until the radical left took over the Democrat Party like some sort of rabid neurological disease.
It’s safe to say that the Republican Party is the sole remaining champion of American values left in America today. To the Democrats, anything that glorifies America’s greatness or supports traditional American values is simply “too American.” Or, to put it another way, “not Marxist enough.”
Because that’s what they really mean. One could go as far as to say that the Republican party is the only American party left in the U.S. Meanwhile, the Democrats are fighting for an ideological cause straddled somewhere between the Soviet Union, Communist China, and the edicts of transgender bee-keepers in Brooklyn.
Just remember, Democrats: if you have a problem with America you can always move to Cuba (if Canada is too cold). Just know that Planet Nebulon X35 isn’t an option. They’ve issued a travel ban. Specifically for you.